My granddad told me an insightful story before my wedding.
He said for the first year of marriage to put a coin in a jar every time I had sex with my wife.
Starting in year two, take out two coins every time we had sex.
He said there'd be money in the jar when I died.
I think he's going to be right.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
The married Man's Score Board
(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)
Simple Duties
------------
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
But return with a News Magazine: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a buddy: -2
If buddy is a women : -4
She is a dancer: -6
She has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner: 0
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
Thoughtfulness
----------------------
You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
-------------------------------------------------
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
Driving
----------
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
----------------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
Simple Duties
------------
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
But return with a News Magazine: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a buddy: -2
If buddy is a women : -4
She is a dancer: -6
She has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner: 0
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
Thoughtfulness
----------------------
You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
-------------------------------------------------
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
Driving
----------
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
----------------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
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